This one is an oldie but a goodie…I didn’t write it, it was forwarded to me via email. If you know the author, let me know and I will gladly give credit.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t
sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore
downtown.
If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only
confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, “What does
this do?”
“You’re kidding me!” “Who would buy that?” Finally, I made it to
the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated
doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could
use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. “Love Dolls” come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled
for “Lovable Louise.” She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination. On
Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours.
Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies
and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went
home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to
his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left
the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty
hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for
the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
“What the hell is that?” she asked. My brother quickly explained, “It’s
a doll.” “Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped. I
had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
“Where are her clothes?” Granny continued.
“Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, to steer
her into dining room.
But Granny was relentless. “Why doesn’t she have any teeth?”
Again, I could have answered but why would I? It was Christmas
and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, “Hang on
Granny, hang on!”
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled
up to me and said, ” Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?” I told
him she was Jay’s friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the
mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It
was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at
home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made
a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched
from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in
front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and
wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room,
and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my
brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the
cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a
wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
As each of you gather with your family during the holiday season
may the thought of this bring a smile to your face.
