Review of ‘Return To Me’

Return To Me

This is a very sweet movie. And when I say “sweet”, I mean it in a caramel popcorn and hot chocolate kind of way. The premise is this: A man (David Duchovny) who is deeply in love with his wife, Elizabeth, who was also his high school sweetheart, loses her in a nasty car accident. A year later he meets Grace, played by Minnie Driver, and they have instant chemistry, but it turns out that she had a heart transplant a year ago and the heart that she got was her new love’s dead wife’s. I know, it sounds very macabre but it really is a beautifully told story, heart warming and funny.

The cast includes Carrol O’Conner as Minnie Driver’s Irish grandfather, Robert Loggia as her Italian uncle (these two men operate what I suspect is the only Italian-Irish restaurant in history…tell me where else you can order ravioli with a side of boiled cabbage), Bonnie Hunt (who also co-wrote and directed the movie as well os sprinkling her real life family members throughout the movie) as Grace’s best friend, Jim Belushi, David Alan Grier and Joely Richardson has a cameo as Elizabeth.

There is genuineness in the characters, but at the same time, there is a fairytale quality to it that makes the movie that much more endearing. Now I can hear the guys out there saying “Oh, this is a chick flick.” But don’t get too judgmental because every guy that I know who has seen it, loved it and most of them went out and bought it “for the woman” in their lives, who usually haven’t seen it…and men don’t usually buy a woman a “chick flick” that the woman hasn’t specifically asked for. Guys, hear me now, and understand me….GIVE THIS MOVIE AS A GIFT!!! Christmas, Valentine’s day, Mother’s day, birthdays, anniversaries, whatever. Or just get it because it is really good and definitely worth watching more than once.

When Stupidity Runs Rampant…

This was e-mailed to me. No clue who originated it.

You Just Can’t Fix Stupid!!
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. ‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter. ‘You don’t?’ I replied. ‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply. ‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’ ‘That’s right.’ So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those ‘dividers’ that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the ‘divider’, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’ I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’ She said ‘OK ,’ and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was usingthe ATM ‘thingy.’
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ‘ Do you need some help?’ I asked. She replied, ‘I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’ ‘Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked. ‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key an d manually unlocked the door, I replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk.’
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use copier machine paper,’ the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in ‘Twister.’ I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the ‘cruise control’ and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: ‘I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?’
EIGHT
Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a susp ect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message ‘He’s lying’ was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the ‘lie detector’ was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Bena dryl and it should be fine. The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer…
Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!
Life is tough. It’s tougher if you’re stupid
and remember – these people can vote.

How The Fight Started

This short and very funny. I am not the originator of this, nor do I know who is.

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and
slowly the driver gets out of the car. . and you know how you
just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . He was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’
So, I look down at him and say, ‘Well, then which one are you?’

.. . . and that’s when the fight started .

Christmas with Louise – VERY FUNNY!

This one is an oldie but a goodie…I didn’t write it, it was forwarded to me via email. If you know the author, let me know and I will gladly give credit.

 

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
    One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t
sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore
downtown.
    If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only
confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, “What does
this do?”
    “You’re kidding me!” “Who would buy that?” Finally, I made it to
the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated
doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could
use the car pool lane during rush hour.
    Finding what I wanted was difficult. “Love Dolls” come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled
for “Lovable Louise.” She was at the bottom of the price scale.
    To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination. On
Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours.
    Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies
and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went
home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
    The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to
his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left
the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty
hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for
the traditional Christmas dinner.
    My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
“What the hell is that?” she asked. My brother quickly explained, “It’s
a doll.” “Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped. I
had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
    “Where are her clothes?” Granny continued.
    “Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, to steer
her into dining room.
    But Granny was relentless. “Why doesn’t she have any teeth?”
    Again, I could have answered but why would I? It was Christmas
and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, “Hang on
Granny, hang on!”
    My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled
up to me and said, ” Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?” I told
him she was Jay’s friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the
mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It
was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at
home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made
a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched
from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in
front of the sofa.
    The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and
wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room,
and sat in the car.
    It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my
brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the
cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a
wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
    As each of you gather with your family during the holiday season
may the thought of this bring a smile to your face.

Top 10 Beauty Tips From TR Lore

Top 10 Beauty Tips For The Rest Of Us

1. Have a pimple in the middle of your forehead? Tell people you are part unicorn and your magical powers are about to fully manifest.

2. To whiten your teeth… two words: White Out

3. Got dry skin? Stay in water at all times.

4. Need to remove stains from clothes? One word: scissors.

5. Got greasy hair? Tell people you are cultivating a naturally renewable, eco-friendly fuel alternative.

6. Got excess body hair? Braid it. Add beads for a touch of bling.

7. Oily skin? See #5.

8. Got frizzy, dry or brittle hair? Tell people you are the primary supplier for new eco-friendly brillo pad alternative.

9. Over-weight? Tell people that their eyes are formatted to wide screen and you have been formatted for tv.

10. Broken, chipped or brittle fingernails? Tell people that they got that way while you were mangling a fashionista who criticized your appearance.

That’s it for now….so go forth and be thyself!

Technorati Tags: humor,funny,fashion tips,top 10,skin care,health care,teeth,stains,beauty

Gift Cards for the Holiday Season? Be careful…Some stores may not be around to redeem them!

I recently received the following via e-mail and felt it was important to pass it on to my readers. If you are into giving gift cards as gifts, rest assured that they are a great gifting options, but some stores are being hit hard by the recession and may not be around to redeem the cards. I am not saying “don’t buy gift cards from these retailers”. I am saying, “find out for sure if they recipients of the gift cards will be able to use them. Many retailers accept gift cards online, or the stores in your friends’ and family’s areas may still be there after the new year…just be careful. That said – here is the list I have been given.

STORE  CLOSINGS AND LAYOFFS: By the end of Dec. 2008


Ann Taylor closing 117 stores nationwide.
A company spokeswoman said the company hasn’t revealed which stores will be shuttered. It will let  the stores that will close this fiscal year  know
over the next month.

Eddie Bauer to close more stores.
Eddie Bauer has already closed 27 shops in the  first quarter and plans to close up to two more outlet stores by the end of the year.

Cache closing stores.
Women’s retailer  Cache announced that it is closing 20 to 23 stores this year.

Lane  Bry ant , Fashion Bug, Catherines closing 150 stores nationwide.
The owner of retailers Lane Bryant , Fashion Bug, Catherines Plus Sizes will close about 150  underperforming stores this year.  The company hasn’t
provided a list of  specific store closures and can’t say (!) when it will offer that info, spokeswoman Brooke Perry said today.

Talbots, J. Jill closing stores.
About  a month ago, Talbots announced that it will be shuttering all 78 of its kids and men’s stores. Now the company says it  will close another 22
underperforming stores .  The 22 stores will be a mix of  Talbots women’s and J Jill, another chain it owns.  The closures will occur this fiscal year, according to a  company press release.

Gap Inc. closing 85 stores
In addition to its namesake chain, Gap also owns Old Navy and Banana Republic . The company said the closures – all  planned for fiscal 2008 –
will be weighted  toward the Gap brand.

Foot Locker  to close 140 stores
In the company press release and during its conference call with analysts today, it did  not specify where the future store closures – all planned in
fiscal 2008 – will be. The company could not be immediately reached for comment.

Wickes is going out of  business
Wickes Furniture is going out of business and closing all of its stores. Wickes, a 37-year-old retailer that  targets middle-income customers, filed
for bankruptcy protection last month.

Goodbye Levitz / BOMBAY – closed already The furniture retailer,  which is going out of business.  Levitz first announced it was going out of business
an d closing all 76 of its stores in December.  The retailer dates back to 1910 when Richard Levitz opened his first furniture store in Lebanon , PA. In the 1960s, the warehouse/showroom concept brought Levitz to the forefront of the  furniture industry.  The local Levitz closures will follow the shutdown
of Bombay .

Zales, Piercing Pagoda closing stores
The owner of Zales and Piercing Pagoda previously said it  plans to close 82 stores by July 31. Today,  it announced that it is closing another 23
under-performing stores.  The company said it’s not providing a list of specific store closures.  Of the 105 locations planned for closure, 50 are
kiosks and 55 are stores.

Disney Store owner has the right to close 98 stores The Walt Disney Company announced it acquired about 220 Disney Stores from subsidiaries of The Children’s Place Retail Stores.  The exact number of stores acquired  will depend on negotiations with landlords.  Those subsidiaries of Children’s Place filed for bankruptcy protection in late March.  In the news release, Disney said it has also obtained the right  to close about 98 Disney Stores in the U.S.  The press release didn’t list those stores.

Home Depot store closings. It is the first time!
Nearly 7+  months after its chief executive said there were no plans to cut the number of its core retail stores, The Home Depot  Inc. announced
Thursday that it is shuttering 15 of them amid a slumping US. economy and housing market.  The move will affect 1,300 employees.  the world’s largest home improvement store chain has ever closed a flagship store for performance reasons.  Its shares rose almost 5 percent.  The Atlanta-based company said the 
underperforming  U.S. stores being closed represent less than 1 percent of its
existing stores  They will be shuttered within the next two months .

CompUSA (CLOSED) clarifies details on  store closings Any extended warranties purchased for products through CompUSA will be honored by a
third-party provider, Assurant Solutions. & amp; nbsp;Gift cards, rain checks, and rebates purchased prior to December 12 can be redeemed at any time during the final sale.  For those who have a gadget currently in for service with CompUSA, the repair will be completed and the gadget will be returned to
owners.

Macy’s – 9 stores

Movie Gallery 160 stores will close as part of  reorganization plan to exit bankruptcy. The video rental company plans to close 400 of 3,500 Movie Gallery and
Hollywood Video stores in addition to the 520 locations the video rental chain closed last fall.

Pep Boys – 33  stores

Sprint Nextel – 125  retail locations
New Sprint Nextel CE O Dan Hesse appears to have inherited a company bleeding subscribers by the thousands, and will now officially be dropping the ax on
4,000 employees and 125 retail locations.  Amid the loss of 639,000 postpaid customers in the fourth quarter, Spr int will be cutting a total of 6.7% of
its work force (following the 5,000  layoffs last year)! and 8% of company-owned  brick-and-mortar stores, while remaining mute on other rumors
that it will consolidate its headquarters in Kansas .  Sprint Nextel shares are down $2.89, or nearly 25%, at the time of this writing.

J. C. Penney, Lowe’s and Office Depot are scaling back

Ethan Allen  Interiors – The company announced plans to close 12 of  300+ stores in an effort to cut costs.

Wilsons the Leather Experts – 158 stores

Pacific Sunwear will close its 154 Demo stores after a review of strategic alternatives for the urban-apparel brand  Seventy-four underperforming Demo
stores closed last May.

Sharper Image:  The company recently filed for bankruptcy protection and announced that 90 of its 184 stores are closing.  The retailer will still
operate 94 stores to pay off debts, but 90 of these stores have performed poorly and also may close.

Bombay Company
The company unveiled plans  to close all 384 U.S.-based Bombay Company stores. The company’s online storefront has discontinued operations.

KB Toys posted a list of 356 stores that it is closing around the United States as part of its bankruptcy reorganization.  To see the list of store
closings, go to the  KB Toys Information web site, and click on Press Information

Dillard’s to Close More Stores
Dillard’s Inc. said it will continue to focus on closing underperforming stores, reducing expenses and  improving its merchandise in 2008.  At the
company’s annual shareholder meeting, CEO William Dillard II said the company will close another six underperforming stores this year.

If I get any updated Information, I will share it. Like I said before, don’t assume that you won’t be able to use gift cards with these companies, just check first!

 

Technorati Tags: shopping,gifts,gift cards,store closings,recession,buyer beware,bombay company,dillards,KB toys,kaybee toys,wilsons’ Pacific Sunwear,sharper image,sprint,nextel. pepboys,lane bryant,ethan allen,zales,disney,home depot,lowes,macy’s,gap. footlocker,JC Penney,Movie Gallery,ann taylor,eddie bauer,footlocker,fashion bug,wickes

Jon Stewart – Making The News Tolerable

The Master Of Fake News

With his fearlessly direct and biting political humor, comedian Jon Stewart gives a clear and wonderfully funny voice to widespread American frustration over Bush administration screw-ups and hypocrisies. If you are prone to severe anxiety attacks, Jon makes it safe for me to be made aware of world and political issues without the “It’s the end of the world as I know it, and we’re all doomed” sense that other news casts tend to trigger in me.

Airing four nights a week on Comedy Central, The Daily Show is a necessity for liberals and political-insiders. And a social studies parody book, America (the Book) published in 2004 remained on best-seller lists for months. I am in the process of re-reading it now. I was presented with a copy of his book “Naked Pictures Of Famous People” for my birthday and it remains on my bedside table even though I have read it more than once, because when I am in need a laugh, it keeps me well supplied.

With Emmy Awards and two of the ever exalted Peabody awards for excellence lining his shelves, Stewart brightly reminds us that you can inform others, be funny, and do it with genuine respectability. He covers American politics with his team of comedic “reporters” in a manner that is nothing less than hysterical brilliance…which is far preferable to the hysterical blindness that the madness of the political scene tends to induce.

The Daily Show has become the leading venue for opinion-makers’ appearances, from Bill Clinton, John Kerry and John

McCain, President Elect Barrak Obama and to newscasters Tom Brokaw, Anderson Cooper and Brian Williams, Actors, actresses and more authors than I can count from innumerable genres.

When Jon took over the reins of the then obscure Daily Show, he found his niche. The ratings the show have grown steadily as word of mouth spread from teenage and college aged Comedy Central viewers to their parents and grandparents. Since then, The Daily Show ratings growth has been unprecedented for cable.

Stewart graced the January 4, 2004 cover of Time magazine, and was named by Time in 2005 as one of the 100 most influential Americans.

Jon Stewart established himself as force to be reckoned with on the October 15, 2004 airing of CNN’s annoying bark-fest ‘Crossfire’ when he nailed Tucker Carlson, conservative co-host, to the proverbial wall. “I’m here to confront you, because we need help from the media…I watch your show everyday. And it kills me. It’s so painful to watch, because we need what you do.” Tucker got a bit pissy (to say the least) and was upset because he had expected to be doing an easy fluff piece with some comedian and it turned out that the comedian was smart, sharp, aware, astute and, heaven help us, bold. Here are a few quotes from/about that airing of Crossfire.

“They said I wasn’t being funny. And I said to them, ‘I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.’” –Jon Stewart, on his sniping match with Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala on “Crossfire”

“You know what’s interesting, though? You’re as big a dick on your show as you are on any show.” –Jon Stewart, beautifully bitch-slapping Tucker Carlson during CNN’s “Crossfire”

“What you do is not honest. What you do is partisan hackery. You have a responsibility to the public discourse, and you fail miserably.” –Jon Stewart, to Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala on “Crossfire”

Not long after that, CNN told Carlson to hit the bricks and he was terminated by CNN president Jonathan Klein who said, “I agree wholeheartedly with Jon Stewart’s overall premise.”

No matter what John Stewart does in the future, as long as he keeps speaking out, I predict that he will be a catalyst for change. On a near nightly basis, he calls the news makers on the carpet, makes us laugh at what makes us weep, thereby giving us the ability to live through the upheaval and insanity that is the modern world.

But that is just this liberal’s opinion…and there is always the possibility that I am completely wrong…but I seriously doubt it. He’s this generation’s Carson and Letterman hybrid, and I think his best is yet to come (No pressure John!)

Quotes:

[Clip of Bush: America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone...We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears]
Jon Stewart:  “That’s what terrorism and gay people are for.”

“President Bush’s approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he’s being doing.” –Jon Stewart

“I do have some sad news to report. Bjork could not be here. She was trying on her Oscars dress and Dick Cheney shot her.” –Jon Stewart, at the Academy Awards
“Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces.” –Jon Stewart, at the Academy Awards

“Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt … making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird.” –Jon Stewart

“Bush finally got to the real reason for the trip — give us money for Iraq. … It’s the Bush version of the Pottery Barn rule — we broke it, you bought it.” –Jon Stewart, on Bush’s European tour

“They always throw around this term ‘the liberal elite.’ And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What’s more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?” –Jon Stewart

       

Technorati Tags: Jon Stewart,John Kerry,John McCain,Obama,books,news,humor,comedy,America,Naked Pictures Of Famous People,comedy Central,The Daily Show

The Stylish Humor of Henry Phillips

Technorati Tags: Henry Phillips,comedy,Standing On the Shoulders Of Freaks,humor,music,cds,cd,funny

Quote: “What I take from life, I give back through my art. So far I’ve taken nothing but crap.”

Henry Phillips writes touching music, then attaches outrageous lyrics to it. Not since Ray Stevens has anyone managed to make people laugh through a song with such style. Like all good comedians and philosophers, Henry finds humor and metaphors in new places and is unapologetic in his works. But then, there is no need for him to apologize given the fact that what he says has this nasty tendency to be true.

In his honor, I would like to introduce you to the song of his that I favored most. It is also our song of the week.

Henry has been featured on Comedy Central, Jimmy Kimmel and is often heard on the radio on Bob & Tom. Always fun, and definitely worth a listen.

If you want to learn more about Henry, check out some of his work and get tour dates, visit his site at www.henryphillips.com.

Lyrics

Standing On The Shoulders Of Freaks

Ancient philosophy was framed by prodigies;

Aristotle, Plato, and Socrates.

And even though their thoughts were deemed

the aristocratic voice,

They also had a thing for little boys.

Catherine the Great, so it’s been said,

Needed large animals to be fulfilled in bed.

From historic rulers,

To the ancient Greeks,

We’re standing on the shoulders of freaks

“Isn’t life pretty?” Ernest Hemingway once said,

And then he put a bullet through his head

Salvador Dali’s surreal paintings were godsent,

You’d never know he ate his own excrement.

Then there’s Da Vinci, for whom it required

Dressing in women’s underwear to be inspired.

From the great romantics,

To the ancient Greeks,

We’re standing on the shoulders of freaks.

Truman Capote, needless to say,

Would be intoxicated 20 hours a day

From the modern authors,

To the ancient Greeks,

We’re standing on the shoulders of freaks

Want more of Henry? How about some CDs?

    

Bad Hairdresser Day by David Leonhardt

 

Should a hairdresser be held accountable for a bald spot
growing under her care, The Happy Guy wonders.

by David Leonhardt

 

“Hey everybody!” Hairdresser Lady called out. “It’s The Happy Guy.”

“Don’t try buttering me up, Hairdresser Lady,” I warned. “It’s not going to work.”

“What’s not going to work?” she demanded.

“You can’t cover up your gross incompetence with a ‘Hey everybody’ cheer.”

“Gross incompetence?”

“That’s right. Just look at my head. Go ahead, take a real close look.”

“Why, it’s a family of sparrows. What a lovely nest,” she grinned.

“No, over here.”

“My, my. If it isn’t a bald spot,” she giggled. “Should I give it a shine?”

WARNING: The before picture.

“It looks like you could use Hair Loss No More … or we’ll have to wear sun glasses in your presence,” she added.

“That’s just what I mean, Hairdresser Lady. Ever since I’ve been coming to you this past couple years, I’ve been losing hair. What have you been doing to it?”

“Er, nothing. Just a little growth formula.”

“Growth?!? My hair isn’t growing. It’s falling out.”

Hairdresser Lady’s Secret Trick

“The growth formula is not for your hair, silly. It’s for your scalp,” Hairdresser Lady responded.

“Growth formula for my scalp?”

“To make you look taller,” Hairdresser Lady explained. “You do look kind of short, you know.”

“How will growth formula on my scalp make me look taller?”

“Just look in the mirror. Already your head is starting to stick up out of your hair,” Hairdresser Lady pointed out. “You look taller already.”

She was right. I did look taller. “That stuff really works?”

“It works wonders on my petunias,” Hairdresser Lady asserted.

Saaaaay, wait a minute. That’s not a growing scalp. That’s a receding hairline! “I don’t believe it. You are NOT putting growth formula on my scalp. I am just losing my hair.”

By this time, Hairdresser Lady was rolling on the floor with laughter. And I still had no idea what she was doing to make my hair fall out.

“I’ll bet this is a secret trick to reduce your workload. The more hair falls out, the less you have to cut.”

“Less hair to cut, but more face to wash,” she chirped as she dunked my head under water. Deep under water. “Actually, you don’t look too bad. Your hair is just getting thin here and there, and you have a lot more vacant real estate above your eyes. But most of your hair is clinging on…for now.”

It was that last “for now” that sent shivers down my spine. Already I could see how much hair I had lost since she became my hairdresser. What diabolical anti-hair plot could she be preparing to unleash upon my head? I feared all my questions would soon be answered when she brought a new tray to the counter in front of me.

Could a hairdresser use tar and feathers?

“What’s all that stuff? I demanded.

“These are your new hairdressing supplies: tar, a very large black brush, and a cheese grater,” she smiled as she opened the tar lid.

“What’s in that?” I was panicking.

“Don’t worry,” Hairdresser Lady whispered. “Nobody will know that it’s not really…hair.”

I lunged toward the exit. As the door swung closed behind me, I heard her call out, “Don’t you even want to know what the cheese grater is for?”

Looking back, the whole situation seems ludicrous. My hair was not falling out because of Hairdresser Lady. It was falling out because of middle age. After all, they didn’t have hairdressers in the Middle Ages.

Yesterday, my wife asked me when I last got my hair cut. I told her it had been a while. “Why do you ask?”

“Because,” she puzzled. “Your hair seems to be growing quite long.”

I think I shocked her when I began jumping up and down, shouting, “Yes. It works. Yes. Yes. Yes. No more hairdressers! No miracle petunias! No growing scalps!”

Still, every now and then, I wonder — just what was the cheese grater for.

Get a personal growth humor column, like this one on hairdressers and bald spots, in your inbox every week. For more humor articles check the menu to the left.

David Leonhardt publishes The Happy Guy humor column. Get a free humor ebook with your purchase of Climb Your Stairway to Heaven. Check out also the free A Daily Dose of Happiness ezine David Leonhardt also runsa Liquid Vitamins website.

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Viva La Revolution! The Fashion Uprising Begins!

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A perfectly brief but reasonable dissertation on why turtles should be required to wear socks…

In a nutshell…it’s because of their distinct disregard of the importance of pedicures, which is why their feet are so ugly….
There is an aesthetically unpleasing factor in regards to the feet our friends, the turtles, due to their inability to utilize nail clippers. which is why they hide in their shells. This is the primary issue at the core of the turtle population’s mass inferiority complex, and why they never leave their houses…they just carry them wherever they go. They are downright agoraphobic because of it. They live in a state of fear and shame, under an umbrella of ridicule. A colleague pointed out to me that their little portable houses don’t even come close to covering their feet while in transit! As a result, their shame is perpetuated.

I’m taking up their cause and campaigning for socks for turtles! I shall not rest until every turtle has his or her choice of knee socks, ankle socks, or those footies with the little pom-pom balls on the backs!!!

WHAT DO WE WANT?!? SOCKS FOR TURTLES!! WHEN DO WE WANT ‘EM?!? NOW!!!!

NOTE: Fishnets

and pantyhose will not be accepted as a compromise seeing as they do nothing to fix the problem since you can see through them. Plus the turtles would look tacky and/or cheap in them. I patently refuse to launch the careers of a bunch to turtle sluts.

In the immortal words of Patrick Henry (or someone like that) “GIVE THE TURTLES SOCKS, OR GIVE THEM DEATH!!”…Editor’s note: this mantra was not very popular with the turtle population at large and therefore it has never really caught on.

The Turtle Fashion Diva has spoken! And throughout the land, with God as my witness, I swear that the turtles shall NEVER be barefoot again!!! At the very least, we should supply these poor creatures with tubes of foot cream and some nail polish.

The heartbreak continues…

 

COMING SOON…The Dust Bunny Liberation Front: A Call To Arms!

 

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